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Do you have...
The ability or willingness, to engage in supportive relationships? However scary that may be?
The ability to recognise that a group can be frightening? Because it can be, at first
Some awareness and knowledge of your abuse history and the belief that it has had some impact on his life, even if not sure how?
A willingness to learn about yourself and what happened? You will change, for the better
Are compulsive behaviours and addictions being worked on?
Then the only thing stopping you from healing fully..... is you!
Our group process, and how it actually works for male survivors possibly defies description, but here’s what happens on a typical evening.
We tend to follow a similar pattern but if anything significant arises, we suspend normal “duties” and deal with the issues presented.
We begin each group session with a short process called Trauma, Trivia and Joy (T.T.J.)
Each group member has a few minutes to say what has been traumatic, trivial and joyful.
It can cover anything they wish, but with new members, it tends to focus upon traumatic issues, but the aim, eventually, is to turn the Trauma into Joy!
If relevant issues arise from the T.T.J. section, we focus upon that, otherwise we tend to move on to another section, which can take many forms.
We also use Transactional analysis (TA) which is described below
Transactional analysis (TA)
This involves the analysis of communication - basically what happens between the 'parent', 'adult' and 'child' ego states, both between people, and within an individual's psyche.
There are a few rules that apply, after many years of experience; (don't like rules? If not, ever considered that demand to be just that, a rule?)
1. No discussions on issues better suited for elsewhere!
2. No-one is permitted to attend group sessions if under the influence of alcohol/drugs, including certain prescribed medications, or if already under extreme stress for other serious distracting issues that can delay their healing process.
3. No anger, violence, or threats of violence should be directed to group members.
4. What is said in the group meeting, stays in the group meeting and should not be discussed outside of the group, and follows the usual formual used in all counselling sessions, which is: "What is said here, stays here"
We focus on the issues that matter to you, the Survivor, which you may not have had the time, or opportunity to discuss before, and within that process, we consider nothing to be out of bounds.
We don't expect you to disclose what happened to you, but in time you will begin to learn to trust us, and perhaps share those issues with us.
We also don't expect you to speak about your abuse when you first join us, and allow you to sit and listen to other group members talk.
There are three trains of thought on fully disclosing, and we subscribe to the one that says;
1. "In order to heal fully, everything has be said, in time."
Some people subscribe to the next two;
2. "Nothing needs to be said. 3. "You should just forgive and forget.
Until now, maybe you have never been asked the questions that really matter to you, so we provide you with time to break that silence, and the fear that has kept you silent for so long. As Survivors, we work as a group, allowing each other to feel safe in our company, and talk about what matters most to you.
If any of this seems scary, or not what you were expecting, please believe that it does work for those wanting to move on and live their life’s. It has worked, and continues to work every week, with great success.
There are those who are unable or unwilling to do this, but in time people see what the reason is behind the message, and one of the greatest compliments made recently, when one guy left the group to live his life again, was “Thank you for my smile”
Many male survivors have grown up without the physical and/or emotional presence of a father. Without an active father to guide you into the often confusing world of men, you can end up feeling lost, isolated, inadequate, and experiences other consequences that make it difficult to feel you have a valid place in the world.
Many men find it easy, sometimes too easy, to express anger. But most men find it harder to show and feel strong feelings, especially anger. A men's group opens up the real possibility of safely experiencing rage and pain--whilst knowing it is safely contained, and that you are safe too.
Talking about a variety of sexual issues is far more easier in an all male group. Some issues include the full disclosure of details of your abuse, sexual problems, an avoidance of sex, sexual acting out, sexual experiences, and many other issues.
Many men who were sexually abused (especially those abused by other men), are confused about their sexual/affectional preference. While it is difficult to determine cause and effect regarding this orientation (e.g., whether sexual abuse "causes" homosexuality), most men, gay and straight, have concerns about how the sexual abuse may have played a role in determining their sexual orientation.
A men's group helps you to also develop and understand masculinity by:
We also allow you the time and space to be honest both with yourself and others, and to express the hidden thoughts, fears and feelings you have kept secret for so many years
By doing so, you allow the healing to begin, and will learn to rid yourself of the debris that has weighed you down, blocked your breath, stunted your growth.
It is necessary not only to release but to receive, by which I mean you learn to tolerate the pain not only of loss but of regaining. To live through the anxiety of feeling good with all its fear of loss.
Often its a process of changing learned habits, and how you express words, often negatively, that alone can help you see that what you say and think is negative, and damaging to yourself.
We enable you to 'de-programme' your previous thoughts and behaviour patterns, turning them around to be positive, instead of negative thoughts
By doing so, you gain a real insight into who you are, what you were, and what you want to be, as opposed to what the abuse may have made you behave and react in life.
Healing comes through expressing your thoughts and feelings, and by doing that fully, breaking the silence that was imposed upon you by your abuse, you will feel a real and deep strength from being free of the ghosts of the past, and able to live your life!
The initial start of Survivors Swindon began in 1986, when I first started listening to disclosures from adult male survivors, in an ex offenders hostel I worked at.
In 1991, following my own disclosure of sexual abuse a few years previously, I put an article in a local newspaper saying that a group for adult male survivors of child sexual abuse and adult male rape was due to start up and if anyone was interested in joining me.
Within two days, I met up with two other male survivors, and we held our first group meeting a few days later.
The three of us, from different backgrounds, but sharing a common theme, set out the groundrules for a group that would go on to support and enable male survivors to overcome the trauma's of the abuse we had suffered.
Today it now shows that almost all group members have an average age of 33 years old, they come from all backgrounds, race, creed and sexuality, and all share something that is very precious, which is a desire to overcome their abuse, and a wish to regain control of their lives.
Thinking of perhaps setting up a group near you? Check here to see whats involved
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Our primary approach is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which works on the principle that how we think TODAY about what happened to us, influences the way you feel and behave. By changing the way you talk about the trauma, changes in emotion and behaviour do occur.
Reinforcing rational thinking (the ability to reason and think clearly) and behaviour.
Assertiveness training: moving from passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive behaviour to becoming assertive…building self-confidence.
Communication training: encourages active listening and learning how to communicate on an emotional level, also conflict resolution strategies.
Problem solving training.
We do allow you to express anger and pain towards those who abused you, which is an important part of the healing process.
A men's group can help fulfil this role, and does provide a good role model too.
We allow you the chance to explore this, without ridicule
* Helping redefine masculine stereotypes.
* By giving your permission to be vulnerable.
* By learning to appropriately release anger and use power.
* By identifying healthy role models.
* By developing safe, non sexual, intimacy with other men. * Intimacy is nothing to do with being sexual! *
* By learning to focus on the healing process, rather than rushing towards the end-product.
* By learning to value the things men do.
* By regaining a feeling of pride in masculinity.
* By learning inter-dependence rather than fearing dependence.
0845 430 9371
24 Hour Answerphone
Office no: 0845 430 9372
SURVIVORS SWINDON
2nd Floor
161 Victoria Road.
Swindon.
SN1 3BU